I went for a walk tonight because it was not so cold to be uncomfortable but too cold for most people to be out and the garbage was overflowing and I was antsy. I walked down Walnut Street and I took pictures of the CLOSED notes attached to the doors — the ones that said ‘we hope to see you soon’ and the one that had handwriting ‘we miss you’ with signatures and the ones that seemed overly formal and a bit passive aggressive, like a kid who knows they have to apologize but is pissed and insincere about the whole thing.

I stopped in front of the Kawaii store where I bought stickers when I was feeling sad. I loved that store because it’s reminiscent of childhood but like nothing I had growing up so I can reminisce about an imaginary childhood I never had. I wondered if that store was going to exist in a few months. I wondered what the street would look like. I thought about the saleswoman at Sephora who found exactly what I was looking for twice without pressuring me to buy everything. I wonder how she feels now. Whether she has or will ever feel grateful for retail. The guy who owns a brewery 20 minutes outside Pittsburgh who always enthusiastically greeted me and was so friendly (not in a creepy way) and put my drink on his tab because I came out on a random Saturday. I hope they do a lot of sales of bottles or cans in grocery stores.

I thought about a friend I hadn’t seen in almost a year. I thought about the last time I saw him — at a huge public event that had always felt particularly unhygienic. I thought about when I would go to a convention or a convert or a casino. I wanted to go to Vegas as a graduation gift. I imagined driving out to a job on the West Coast and stopping in Vegas on the way. Sometime in the future I could do that again and what it would feel like and will there be an awkward period where no one knows how to simply stand near other people. Are there going to be jokes about touching things or keeping social distance? ‘Yea that guy needs to keep his social distance and then some ``’’Six feet — how about six miles ``’’I’m not touching that — I don’t want to get the rona” etc as examples of jokes.

I’ve read somewhere that this will result in a PTSD for everyone, in some form. I’ve always imagined an end to PTSD. I thought if I could write something one day I could make it about PTSD but I never felt like I could because I could only do it at the end because I always thought “end” but never a way to get there or what that would feel like or who I would be on the other side. Same way I feel coronavirus will have an end but I don’t know what would be on the other side and I’m not creative enough to think of a way to know.